read or die
by incandescens
Summary: Renji, Ichigo, the Seireitai Library, and a bit of involuntary body-swapping.


**read or die**

**Seireitai Library Reminder:**

Dear Abarai Renji,

We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of **Your ****Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex** is now one day overdue. Please return it at once. We enclose our schedule of fines.

We also wish to offer you the opportunity to borrow other books in this series. **Your Gigai And You: Book Two: Reversing Body Reassignment Mistakes** is currently available.

Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!

* * *

**Seireitai Library Reminder:**

Dear Abarai Renji:

We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of **Your ****Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex** is now two days overdue. Please return it at once.

We wish to warn you that keeping a book overdue for three days or more will result in an armed collection squad (subcontracted from Eighth Division) being dispatched to secure the book.

We regret that on further investigation, **Your Gigai And You: Book Two: Reversing Body Reassignment Mistakes** is in fact not currently available, having been previously borrowed by Urahara Kisuke and not having been returned.

We also wish to note that a fraudulent attempt has been made to access your library account. An orange-haired youth, later identified as Kurosaki Ichigo, showed up and claimed to be you. Naturally his attempts at borrowing books with your library card have been refused. We warn you that he apparently has a copy of your library card and your library password.

Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!

* * *

**Seireitai Library Reminder:**

Dear Abarai Renji,

We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of **Your ****Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex** is now three days overdue. Please return it at once. The collection squad has been dispatched. Given your rank as vice-captain, they have been outfitted with suitable equipment and killing stone.

Please bear in mind that excuses of temporary insanity will not be accepted. Even if you go to the extent of having Byakuya-taichou pursue you in public while claiming that you are suffering from amnesia and must be restrained for your own good. Even if you were apparently in a state of significant undress while doing so. Even if you have apparently forgotten how to tie your hair back and have thus won the Shinigami Women's Association **Unkempt Yet Extremely Hot** award and been accused of cheating by Kyouraku-taichou. And even if you are claiming to be someone entirely different and not Abarai Renji at all. These feeble tactics will not work.

Hand over the book or suffer, Abarai Renji.

Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!

* * *

**Seireitai Library Reminder:**

Dear Abarai Renji,

We wish to remind you that your borrowed copy of **Your ****Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex** is now four days overdue. Please return it at once.

We are aware of your pitiful attempt to frustrate our collecting squad by confronting them with a scene of unparalleled lewdness involving yourself and Kurosaki Ichigo fondling each other oiled and naked while checking notes on a piece of paper and yelling, "It worked last time, why can't I get back into you again!"

While this may have resulted in temporary fainting, covering of eyes, and nosebleeds, allowing you to make your escape, this tactic will not be successful in the future. We warn you that this time Ise-fukutaichou will be on the collection squad, and she assures us that after decades with Kyouraku-taichou, absolutely nothing can shock her.

There is nowhere to escape from us, Abarai Renji. There is nowhere for you to hide. You will be hauled back in chains and dragged to the execution block. Give us our book. Now.

Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!

* * *

**Seireitai Library Reminder:**

Dear Abarai Renji,

We wish to thank you for returning your borrowed copy of **Your ****Gigai And You: Book One: Body Reassignment Via Tantric Sex**. We appreciate your willingness to comply with Library regulations. In future, we will take care to send overdue notices and collection agents when you are lying around in a post-coital haze with your mortal paramours. Please note that screaming, "Yes! Yes! Back in my own body again!" is not allowed inside Library precincts.

Your zanpakutou will be returned when you have finished paying off the overdue fines.

We wish to offer you the opportunity to borrow other books which have been taken out by shinigami with similar interests. Please see **Zanpakutou Materialisation And Hot Sex**, **Bankai And Bollocks**, **Academy Affairs**, and **The Covert Operations XXX-Rated Yaoi Photo Book**.

Thank you for borrowing from the Seireitai Library!

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End file.
